Paris; Why I Won't Kiss You

 (Or, How to Improve Your French in Sessions of 20 Minutes or Less)

So I thought it was going to be ONE funny story . . . and then it started getting out of hand.

It is truly mind-blowing how hard I have to work to convince Parisian men that I won't kiss them. The persistence astounds me. My most logical arguments are no match for their egos (and/or their perceptions of american women?).

After some experience with French come-ons, I have found the common approach is as follows: 

• Tell an (American?) girl she is beautiful at least 3 times, preferably once every 5 minutes and perhaps adding several "tre"s in there will really butter her up.
• Try to pay for something/everything - if this is not possible in the circumstances, go to the next step.
• Remember: You don't have to show interest in anything but her looks. Just stare a lot and get your face as close as possible and keep repeating "tu est tres belle, tres jolie", maybe even throw in a "je t'aime" (I love you) or two to really up the ante.
• Then go in for the kill:
• (a) Ask/tell her to kiss you/express desire to kiss her or ***
• (b) Plain just go for it. ***
• ***If you are refused - (Quel concept!) Just ask "Why?" and no matter what she says, what BRILLIANT logic she comes up with, keep pushing ridiculousness upon her until she breaks or walks away or punches you in the face. She can't refuse your charm for long.

"Non" most definitely does not mean "No" to these guys. Well, it may mean "No", but "No" is never enough. Always the response: "Am I ugly?" . . . and I can't say yes because they are all attractive I guess, but not for me. Maybe that is the key! "YES. YES, YOU ARE UGLY!"

Needless to say . . . the next time I am told I need a real french kiss or that someone I met 2 minutes ago loves me I will cut the b****. Come to think of it, I do have a cute little knife on the end of my eiffel tower wine-key I bought in desperation my first day here. How fabulous a weapon for such a task - My cheesy tourist souveneir doing some damage on a cheesy come-on designed for tourists. I just hope to be wearing an american flag bikini with a bunch of freedom fries hanging out of my mouth at the same time.
 
Or I could just shove a cheeseburger in their mouth. To eat one without a knife and fork would be heresy and they would be so confused I could escape into the night with my sanity intact.

Or a plain "Je suis une lesbian" should do the trick.

Regardless, it should take far less than 20 minutes next time.